Shamanic Practitioner Training: Intermediate Level Course
Self-Healing Project Report: "Opening a Closed Door to the Past/Future"
I began by going on a Shamanic Journey to decide the best course of action and what my project was going to be as it was not easily forthcoming.
The journey led me to the upper world. here I met my spirit guide in a place where I have been before which has 9 houses - all with closed doors. I received no guidance. I decided the only reason I must be back at the buildings is for me to go through one of the doors. I went through one of the doors to stand in a hollow shell of a building, completely white and empty. I stood there waiting patiently.
I finally asked why am I here what am I to do in this space. At that point the room misted or filled up with fog I felt I was being taken somewhere. I slowly became aware of patches of green in the fog and I moved towards them. The green slowly formed into tree branches, then more trees until it finally cleared with me standing in the middle of a clearing of coniferous trees. There was a tall staff in the centre emitting a white light from an orb on the top of it. I asked again why am I here. The response was that I should make the staff and I was to find the materials in a certain place. The journey ended.
I had a feeling and I just knew the place I had to go to. It is a place where two things happened to me. Firstly and most significantly it is where I fathered a child that was then later aborted. I was young, only 17, and I did not have the emotional maturity to handle this situation well. It is also a place that when I was younger had a magical resonance and I had performed a couple of small ceremonies there. I had however been somewhat ridiculed by my peers for doing such things. I have always been exceptionally wary of talking to people about any of my spirituality and even ignoring it myself for a long time as a result. Being too concerned what other people might think had become a block.
I took a whole day and returned to this place up in the Gog Magog hills. I walked around the area and going specifically to the places that I remembered having not been back since I was 17. I found a good place to sit and spend time. It was completely in the open but it was also concealed in that nobody could see me or come across me but I had a perfect view.
I sat in this spot and spent several hours meditating on the instance of people ridiculing me for my beliefs and testing me. I drew strength from the sun and relaxed more with the people walking past me - not caring should they find me meditating in public. I vowed I would slowly tell and talk to people about my spirituality but slowly choosing who I would talk to first. This has actually not worked as I have found myself blurting things out to people - almost instinctively telling people about things without having had any preperation thought as to wether I would tell that person or not. Mostly it has been with people I wouldn't have expected for me to talk to about it all.
Once I emerged from the spot and out of the wooded area I was amazed to find myself being almost bombarded with ladybirds. I had 3 or 4 land on my face and many more land on my arms and legs. It must have been a total of around 15 ladybirds crawling over me. It was quite amazing I thought I was being attacked by flies to begin with until they had landed. [Project mentor suggested Ladybird might be of "Power Animal" significance - Response: "Thank you so much for all the information about ladybirds. I had no idea that they had all of those qualities and attributes associated with them. I think the relevance may be that I'm doing more work than I should and I'm feeling like I need to do the work through some kind of customer/client loyalty. I think I have somewhat overlooked the ladybirds encounter and I will spend some time meditating on their significance and where they have pointers for me"]
The second place - a short distance away became a bit of a fight to get to, as the area had overgrown considerably and I had to find a new route to the spot. It involved going through hawthorn bushes and was a bit of a mission but I found it nonetheless. Here I sat and meditated again. I slowly found that my memories were different from what had actually happened. There where parts of everything I didn't want to remember and had slowly but surely over the years changed my memory to something that was easier to deal with. Without going into details I had blamed myself for the pain caused to my girlfriend at the time, and for the ending of a life. I realised that we both had played a part.
Events had also gone against us in terms of getting the morning after pill etc. It was hard to confront and I felt emotionaly very drained from it all. I then out-loud relived everything that happened and apologised to the child, to the mother, and to myself and forgave everything and everyone. It had all been done with the best intentions and love at the heart of it all.
I think a part of it was that we where both too young to fully talk through everything or to understand the roles we both played. We had been together for 5 months at the time and the relationship ended after the abortion. As an example: I was blocked out by her and not allowed to go through the process; I was lied to, about when it was taking place etc. but I had closed up and was very hard to talk to. I was also to blame for not knowing when everything was happening.
I witnessed two giant hares go through the clearing. I realised hares are a symbol of mischief and procreation/fertility I thought how apt it was for them to be present and exiting the clearing, and also for them to be in that place where everything had happened.
I had a feeling of a relief after I felt drained and emotional. I felt better from having made the realisations and felt cleaner in that I was no longer carrying a lie, even if it was only to myself. I haven't made the staff and although I was staying aware for materials for it, I didn't come across any. It may have been a metaphorical staff and the staff was me that I was observing. I am not sure. I will continue to stay aware when in nature and see what turns up.
Mentor comment: An interesting parallel with the "houses with closed doors" in your journey are the series of "Mansions of the Soul" described by St. Teresa de Avila and Caroline Myss. I am also reminded of the "Council of 9" higher spiritual beings which were the source of the famous channellings by Phyllis Schlemmer described in "The Only Planet of Choice: Essential Briefings from Deep Space".
The baggage of the past so often blocks our soul-connection and future soul-fulfilment [filling the empty house]. You have shown great courage in revisiting this past experience of such huge pain and regret in order to find and live in truth and fulfil your potential. I feel that this is a "work in progress" - some clarity/clearing work has been done [interesting metaphor of it being done in "clearing" spaces!] but the soul retrieval [I suspect that the orb represents a piece of lost "soul" - lost from the empty house behind the door that, until now, has been closed] is not completed - either the right tools, or the right time, or other pieces of the jigsaw are not yet in place - hopefully your forthcoming advanced practitioner training will move things forwards.
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Healing & Self-healing Skills: Techniques & Training
Not all creatures that appear in our life are power animals (see Journey to find Your Power Animal), there has to be some kind of "highlighting" or "resonance" on the part of our unconscious mind.